the holidays are not about my mother

GOD i'm so sick of people trying to shove my mother down my throat at the holidays. it's stressful, unnecessary, and downright patronizing. i'm old enough to decide with whom i do and do not wish to associate with, and my mother is one of the do-nots. why can't people just let it die? i'd love to spend the holidays with the remainder of my family, but like a turd that won't flush, it always comes back up.
i fucking hate the holidays now. more than i ever did in the past. it's almost not even worth it for me to visit. and as much as i try to enjoy my friends and family, there's always that dark spot creeping into the warmth of the season.

semester's almost over

so that means i'm macguyvering xmas presents and staying up late and being all sore. (although acupuncture helped today)
holidays make me feel all cold and shitty inside.
but anyway, more art. nobody reads this, but whatever, i must like talking to myself.
not much artwork, since i don't have photoshop back on the comp yet...

holly's slow recovery

holly has a new hard drive and is about 80% back in business. i need to find out how to install the drivers for my wireless card, get a few programs, and i'll be back in business. i REALLY miss photoshop.
i've been so wiped out lately- between actual lethargy and pain, i can't seem to drag myself out of the house. i want to go graveyarding and clubbing and exercising, but i can't muster the energy :C
i miss my friends-and to make things worse, i'm an awful contact by phone.
bleh. hopefully thanksgiving will pump some life into these wasted veins.

the broke college guide to caring consumerism

animal testing is obsolete and horrific.
that said, many people are completely unaware that they are using animal tested products, or even worse, aware and apathetic.
unfortunately for the caring consumer, shopping cruelty-free can be VERY expensive. and for a poor student such as myself, it is not only imperative to be cruelty-free, but thrifty as well.
there are many good websites with information about animal-tested products, ( leaping bunny and caring consumer, for example), but these sites tend to overlook a whole mess of products. some are eschewed from the list for being "inorganic", some don't make it because they observe a moratorium rather than a full-out ban.
however, a lot of these neglected brands are the easiest and cheapest to obtain-and as such, i've decided to compile this list based on my personal experience of nearly a decade. this list is limited to makeup and personal care products, a market rampant with (unnecessary!) animal testing.
hope this informs and assists a few people in the future :)

bonne belle
physician's formula
N.Y.C.
st. ive's
v05
freeman
queen helene
hawaiian tropic
burt's bees
paul mitchell
wet n' wild
avon
revlon
almay
colgate-pamolive and subsidiaries * moratorium
method
aloe vera inc.
manic panic
raw! color

some brands to avoid: (as well as subsidiaries)
unilever
johnson & johnson
l'oreal ( i mistakenly used this for years- :( )
procter and gamble
arm and hammer
clorox
dial
s.c.johnson

a very personal piece...

i finally got my tablet pen working again, and i felt i had some steam to blow off.
this is a very personal piece... the affliction is a metaphor for my own feelings of uselessness and subconscious self-sabotage.
totally digital work- not really a polished work, but i was leaning toward a more expressive style.
i've been mulling the idea around in my head for a series of afflicted self-portraits, one for each of my worst flaws. who knows, it could be cathartic.


Persons affected are cognitively impaired and have behavioral disturbances that emerge between two and three years of age. The uncontrollable self-injury associated with LNS also usually begins at three years of age. The self-injury begins with biting of the lips and tongue; as the disease progresses, affected individuals frequently develop finger biting and head banging. The self-injury can increase during times of stress. Self-mutilation is a distinguishing characteristic of the disease and is apparent in 85% of affected males.

The majority of individuals are cognitively impaired, which is sometimes difficult to distinguish from other symptoms because of the behavioral disturbances and motor deficits associated with the syndrome. In many ways, the behaviors may be seen as a psychological extension of the compulsion to cause self-injury: Rejecting desired treats or travel, repaying kindness with coldness or rage, failing to answer test questions correctly despite study and a desire to succeed, provoking anger from caregivers when affection is desired, and so on.

Compulsive behaviors also occur, including aggressiveness, vomiting, spitting, and involuntary swearing, or coprolalia. The development of this type of behavior is sometimes seen within the first year, or in early childhood, but others may not develop it until later in life
~wikipedia

art dump and cynicism

well, now that the art dump is over..... on to cynicism!

i am SO sick of being leered at by lecherous men. it's uncomfortable, scary, and demeaning. why should i have to be afraid to walk down the street just for being female? what is it in the male psyche that dehumanizes the female into the sum of her organs of generation?
i am more than a juicy piece of meat.
i have feelings, and i have the right to personal space. i have the right to go about my business unharassed. i have the right not to be groped by another testosterone- fueled imbecile. if i wear a low-cut blouse or a skirt, could it possibly be because it's hot out, and not because i'm "asking for it?" what if i came up to you and started fondling you? would YOU like it? (maybe.) how would you like to be afraid to walk to the store? to ride the subway? to go out alone lest SOMEONE try to follow you home.. or worse?!
WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
this must be one of the reasons why humans are the inferior species. hell, if a short, dumpy freako like me gets this so often, i can't imagine what it must be like for my fairer sisters.
fucking EVOLVE, guys, and maybe you'll go home alone less frequently.

(this is not to say that SOME men haven't taken the plunge into civilization...)

a little rant on my part...

for too long, i've watched friends of mine starve themselves to squeeze into that narrow margin that society has deemed beautiful. what's more, all of these people are otherwise incredibly intelligent and creative. with every passing day, i see them flounder in self-loathing while they struggle to further emaciate themselves. their fervor borders on insanity.
it would be hypocritical to say that i haven't any qualms with my looks- i do. however, i would never starve myself. i would never aspire to be a magazine body. why?
because like all things fashion, thin is a trend. and trends come and go.
it irks me so that people who pride themselves on thinking differently flock like sheep to the great altar of modern beauty, dragging behind them the misery of hunger and a broken psyche. the groupthink escalates from there- those dying to be thin and hating it begin to hate those different from them, different from the norm. is it disgust? perhaps it is envy, that while they suffer for a chimerical body, those who are truly revolutionary can be comfortable in their own skin, regardless of the trends.