the real pain of chronic pain

on the best of days it's a muscle ache, on the worst, it's a stinging, burning pinched nerve running the entire length of my body.
the pain is technically caused by my nerve tics, which tighten the muscles in my neck and back every few seconds. the tourett's itself is not painful, and most of my nerve tics are pretty benign, but this one has stuck around for nearly 2 years and wreaked more havoc on my system than any other that i can remember.
makes me feel kind of pathetic. i'm 21 years old and most days my activity is dictated by how badly i hurt.
some days i skip meals because it's too painful for me to bend my head to my plate. some days i've been forced to draw with my left hand because the right is too sore. i've stood in a hot shower and cried because it offered no reprieve. massages are almost too painful for me to bear and leave me sore for days.
i've tried drugs, acupuncture, yoga, you name it-but so long as my nerve tics continue, only the symptoms can be treated. even more frustrating is that relief is often hard for me to acquire, whether cost or time prohibitive.
and despite everything, truly the worst part of the situation is the cancelling of plans with friends and delaying of projects and progress because of pain. so much of my life now is wasted while i convalesce from a condition with no forseeable end. it is the absolute decider, and i am not so much living as i am snatching bits of life between long periods of pain.

in writing this, i'm not looking for sympathy or special treatment. its purpose is only to create an understanding, and perhaps in some ways an apology to all of the people i've had to blow off.
i truly appreciate every single one of you and hope that my constant cancelling of plans hasn't been taken personally, because it's absolutely impersonal.
now you know.
-mo

busy, tiring weekend

friday: saw a screening of voltare's x-mess detrius with lee, went clubbing with voltaire and co. until the wee hours of the morning.

saturday: mermaid parade in the pouring rain, x-men marathon

sunday: punk island festival, pickup soccer. fatty isn't used to all this exercise and may keel over in the next half hour.

also, i need to make some more art this summer. or get a job. or both.

new art dump

nothing really

today was amazing- i got to see neil gaiman and amanda palmer at the housing works bookstore...and i'm still reeling. the performance was lovely and intimate, both of them were great.
my question was the first asked ( asking neil who his favorite muppet was) and he answered "the great gonzo, when he was lean and hungry and dangerous, LOL), and afterward i got autographs from both and a kiss from amanda for the bookmarks i made for them :D
got home, called autumn FREAKING OUT, and made some ballin chiptle-avocado gazpacho and pineapple-orange stirfry. and watched the prestige :3