the holidays are not about my mother

GOD i'm so sick of people trying to shove my mother down my throat at the holidays. it's stressful, unnecessary, and downright patronizing. i'm old enough to decide with whom i do and do not wish to associate with, and my mother is one of the do-nots. why can't people just let it die? i'd love to spend the holidays with the remainder of my family, but like a turd that won't flush, it always comes back up.
i fucking hate the holidays now. more than i ever did in the past. it's almost not even worth it for me to visit. and as much as i try to enjoy my friends and family, there's always that dark spot creeping into the warmth of the season.

semester's almost over

so that means i'm macguyvering xmas presents and staying up late and being all sore. (although acupuncture helped today)
holidays make me feel all cold and shitty inside.
but anyway, more art. nobody reads this, but whatever, i must like talking to myself.
not much artwork, since i don't have photoshop back on the comp yet...

holly's slow recovery

holly has a new hard drive and is about 80% back in business. i need to find out how to install the drivers for my wireless card, get a few programs, and i'll be back in business. i REALLY miss photoshop.
i've been so wiped out lately- between actual lethargy and pain, i can't seem to drag myself out of the house. i want to go graveyarding and clubbing and exercising, but i can't muster the energy :C
i miss my friends-and to make things worse, i'm an awful contact by phone.
bleh. hopefully thanksgiving will pump some life into these wasted veins.

the broke college guide to caring consumerism

animal testing is obsolete and horrific.
that said, many people are completely unaware that they are using animal tested products, or even worse, aware and apathetic.
unfortunately for the caring consumer, shopping cruelty-free can be VERY expensive. and for a poor student such as myself, it is not only imperative to be cruelty-free, but thrifty as well.
there are many good websites with information about animal-tested products, ( leaping bunny and caring consumer, for example), but these sites tend to overlook a whole mess of products. some are eschewed from the list for being "inorganic", some don't make it because they observe a moratorium rather than a full-out ban.
however, a lot of these neglected brands are the easiest and cheapest to obtain-and as such, i've decided to compile this list based on my personal experience of nearly a decade. this list is limited to makeup and personal care products, a market rampant with (unnecessary!) animal testing.
hope this informs and assists a few people in the future :)

bonne belle
physician's formula
N.Y.C.
st. ive's
v05
freeman
queen helene
hawaiian tropic
burt's bees
paul mitchell
wet n' wild
avon
revlon
almay
colgate-pamolive and subsidiaries * moratorium
method
aloe vera inc.
manic panic
raw! color

some brands to avoid: (as well as subsidiaries)
unilever
johnson & johnson
l'oreal ( i mistakenly used this for years- :( )
procter and gamble
arm and hammer
clorox
dial
s.c.johnson

a very personal piece...

i finally got my tablet pen working again, and i felt i had some steam to blow off.
this is a very personal piece... the affliction is a metaphor for my own feelings of uselessness and subconscious self-sabotage.
totally digital work- not really a polished work, but i was leaning toward a more expressive style.
i've been mulling the idea around in my head for a series of afflicted self-portraits, one for each of my worst flaws. who knows, it could be cathartic.


Persons affected are cognitively impaired and have behavioral disturbances that emerge between two and three years of age. The uncontrollable self-injury associated with LNS also usually begins at three years of age. The self-injury begins with biting of the lips and tongue; as the disease progresses, affected individuals frequently develop finger biting and head banging. The self-injury can increase during times of stress. Self-mutilation is a distinguishing characteristic of the disease and is apparent in 85% of affected males.

The majority of individuals are cognitively impaired, which is sometimes difficult to distinguish from other symptoms because of the behavioral disturbances and motor deficits associated with the syndrome. In many ways, the behaviors may be seen as a psychological extension of the compulsion to cause self-injury: Rejecting desired treats or travel, repaying kindness with coldness or rage, failing to answer test questions correctly despite study and a desire to succeed, provoking anger from caregivers when affection is desired, and so on.

Compulsive behaviors also occur, including aggressiveness, vomiting, spitting, and involuntary swearing, or coprolalia. The development of this type of behavior is sometimes seen within the first year, or in early childhood, but others may not develop it until later in life
~wikipedia

art dump and cynicism

well, now that the art dump is over..... on to cynicism!

i am SO sick of being leered at by lecherous men. it's uncomfortable, scary, and demeaning. why should i have to be afraid to walk down the street just for being female? what is it in the male psyche that dehumanizes the female into the sum of her organs of generation?
i am more than a juicy piece of meat.
i have feelings, and i have the right to personal space. i have the right to go about my business unharassed. i have the right not to be groped by another testosterone- fueled imbecile. if i wear a low-cut blouse or a skirt, could it possibly be because it's hot out, and not because i'm "asking for it?" what if i came up to you and started fondling you? would YOU like it? (maybe.) how would you like to be afraid to walk to the store? to ride the subway? to go out alone lest SOMEONE try to follow you home.. or worse?!
WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
this must be one of the reasons why humans are the inferior species. hell, if a short, dumpy freako like me gets this so often, i can't imagine what it must be like for my fairer sisters.
fucking EVOLVE, guys, and maybe you'll go home alone less frequently.

(this is not to say that SOME men haven't taken the plunge into civilization...)

a little rant on my part...

for too long, i've watched friends of mine starve themselves to squeeze into that narrow margin that society has deemed beautiful. what's more, all of these people are otherwise incredibly intelligent and creative. with every passing day, i see them flounder in self-loathing while they struggle to further emaciate themselves. their fervor borders on insanity.
it would be hypocritical to say that i haven't any qualms with my looks- i do. however, i would never starve myself. i would never aspire to be a magazine body. why?
because like all things fashion, thin is a trend. and trends come and go.
it irks me so that people who pride themselves on thinking differently flock like sheep to the great altar of modern beauty, dragging behind them the misery of hunger and a broken psyche. the groupthink escalates from there- those dying to be thin and hating it begin to hate those different from them, different from the norm. is it disgust? perhaps it is envy, that while they suffer for a chimerical body, those who are truly revolutionary can be comfortable in their own skin, regardless of the trends.

painting in progress; apollo and hyacinthus


another shot
faceup of a friend's character
rough of a comic collab with a friend.
guess who's been re-wathcing their slayers dvd's?



summer is still not eventful, jobwise or artwise. had fun looking for jobs at least for a bit with liz ( the skirt was lovely, i wore it to dances of vice, by the way :)
i blame part of it on holly crashing. nothing like having to reinstall the tablet driver to deter any digital art from me. the rest is me being a lazy douche. well, chronic pain doesn't help either.
this is the least craptastic of the bunch, hopefully i'll finish the damn painting and pretend to be productive before school starts.

i take stock in dreams.

no, not dreams like aspirations and goals. i mean dreams like the little nocturnal movies in your head.
i think it comes from reading tarot for so long, since it's so heavy on symbol interpretation, or some of it, anyway. lately i've been doing dream interpretations for friends that ring astonishingly true. even my own dreams have become so clear in their metaphors that it's almost frightening. it's like closing your eyes in reverse, seeing what you don't want to behind your eyelids rather than the warm dark. a double-edged blade, yes- but the painful truth is better than blissful ignorance.
take a good hard look at your subconscious, people. you'll be surprised at your own wisdom sometimes.

summer is going well, but jesus christ i need a job.
i'm going to try for a tattoo apprenticeship, crossing my fingers that i'll get in. i feel so useless not working, and it really puts a damper on basic things like getting new clothes and art supplies.
also kind of feeling like my art isn't good enough to employ me. all my stuff is so far behind that of my peers that i'm constantly frustrated with my lack of ability.
blah.

the real pain of chronic pain

on the best of days it's a muscle ache, on the worst, it's a stinging, burning pinched nerve running the entire length of my body.
the pain is technically caused by my nerve tics, which tighten the muscles in my neck and back every few seconds. the tourett's itself is not painful, and most of my nerve tics are pretty benign, but this one has stuck around for nearly 2 years and wreaked more havoc on my system than any other that i can remember.
makes me feel kind of pathetic. i'm 21 years old and most days my activity is dictated by how badly i hurt.
some days i skip meals because it's too painful for me to bend my head to my plate. some days i've been forced to draw with my left hand because the right is too sore. i've stood in a hot shower and cried because it offered no reprieve. massages are almost too painful for me to bear and leave me sore for days.
i've tried drugs, acupuncture, yoga, you name it-but so long as my nerve tics continue, only the symptoms can be treated. even more frustrating is that relief is often hard for me to acquire, whether cost or time prohibitive.
and despite everything, truly the worst part of the situation is the cancelling of plans with friends and delaying of projects and progress because of pain. so much of my life now is wasted while i convalesce from a condition with no forseeable end. it is the absolute decider, and i am not so much living as i am snatching bits of life between long periods of pain.

in writing this, i'm not looking for sympathy or special treatment. its purpose is only to create an understanding, and perhaps in some ways an apology to all of the people i've had to blow off.
i truly appreciate every single one of you and hope that my constant cancelling of plans hasn't been taken personally, because it's absolutely impersonal.
now you know.
-mo

busy, tiring weekend

friday: saw a screening of voltare's x-mess detrius with lee, went clubbing with voltaire and co. until the wee hours of the morning.

saturday: mermaid parade in the pouring rain, x-men marathon

sunday: punk island festival, pickup soccer. fatty isn't used to all this exercise and may keel over in the next half hour.

also, i need to make some more art this summer. or get a job. or both.

new art dump

nothing really

today was amazing- i got to see neil gaiman and amanda palmer at the housing works bookstore...and i'm still reeling. the performance was lovely and intimate, both of them were great.
my question was the first asked ( asking neil who his favorite muppet was) and he answered "the great gonzo, when he was lean and hungry and dangerous, LOL), and afterward i got autographs from both and a kiss from amanda for the bookmarks i made for them :D
got home, called autumn FREAKING OUT, and made some ballin chiptle-avocado gazpacho and pineapple-orange stirfry. and watched the prestige :3

finally brave enough to post my comic....

yikes.

first post with word, woohoo

so with the semester behind me, and my 21st birthday iminent, i'm celebrating my time in syracuse by..... sleeping. and sleeping. and sleeping. how lame! i guess my back hurting makes me tired, so i've been almost narcoleptic.
it's not all bad though, i've been chilling with my beagles and drinking gallons of smoothies.
i've also been thinking about doinng either a self-portrait series or a few comics based off of silent film scripts for practice. my grades were good this semester, but i'm wholly disappointed with my work. i need to break away from my old bad habits.
so what will it be.... self portraits with various diseases, or comics of silent films...?
OR
will i just sleep the whole summer and be a decrepit, creaky old lady?

art dump 3

art dump 2

self-portrait as helnwein homage

version 2

sample blog with art